Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes$50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
Xmas Funnies 2008-2010
The Organ and Miss Beatrice
The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.
'

FAVORITE THINGS

Halogen uplights and big-muscled fellas
Pink puffy draperies and drinks with umbrellas
Brown Puerto Rican boys tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things

Penthouse magazine and silicone breasts
Girls dressed in leather with tatoos on their chests
Blonde lesbo orgies, a quick mid-day fling,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the whip cracks (oww)
When the cane stings (ooo)
When I'm feeling bad
I just think of a few of my favorite things,
And then I get hard...for Brad.


WALKIN' ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR
(to be sung to "Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland")
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things...wife is missin',
Didn't ask... her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
 
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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug , and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or  wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next  time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her busines s trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the  road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the  Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk  with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently  at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a  brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I  got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking  with the quiet wisdom of an elder,she said:
"Good trade....."
Auld Lang Syne
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
I'll keep adding "New" jokes or cartoons so keep looking.


More Jokes
This is why men don't design Christmas wrapping paper:
AND,
this is why they don't let men design Christmas cards.


Holiday Lessons
Here
Jokes,Jokes,and More Jokes
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta
deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will
you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
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It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray. He said: "But I do not know what to say." She said: "Say what I said this morning." So he said: "Deargod, why did I invite all these people to my house?"
A blonde and two burnettes where watching a school play, at the end of the play Santa came out and of course first thing he said was 'HO, HO, HO!!!' The blonde looked at the two burnettes and said: "How did he know we were here?"