> Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical
>
> To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance atManhattan'sRadioCityMusic Hallfor the benefit of the AARP.
> One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
> (Sing It!)-If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
> Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
> Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
> Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
> Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
> Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
> When the knees go bad,
> I simply remember my favorite things,
> And then I don't feel so sad.
>
> Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
> No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
> Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
> Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
> And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
> When we remember our favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache, When the hips break,
> When the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > ; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
>
> To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance atManhattan'sRadioCityMusic Hallfor the benefit of the AARP.
> One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
> (Sing It!)-If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
> Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
> Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
> Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
> Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
> Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
> When the knees go bad,
> I simply remember my favorite things,
> And then I don't feel so sad.
>
> Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
> No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
> Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
> Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
> And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
> When we remember our favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache, When the hips break,
> When the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > ; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply
running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ a cold Bud______a
Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a
Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl
of ice cream ______Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral
Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends
to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of
them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows
the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply
running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ a cold Bud______a
Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a
Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl
of ice cream ______Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral
Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends
to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of
them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows
the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
Keep That Lube Handy! If you think you've been fucked before you ain't felt nothing yet!
Fifty Dollars Is Fifty Dollars
The 4 Stages of Life
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Julie Andrews At 69
2257 Exempt
~ Deer Camp ~
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly Ex-Marine; a man's
man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly Ex-Marine; a man's
man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
----------------------------------------
- -------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot
for you today as they were fifty years ago .'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
----------------------------------------
- -------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot
for you today as they were fifty years ago .'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal