Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you Dumb Ass'
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men
Had scrambled eggs
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay
There was a little girl
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront
condo, and a sports car.
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
************ ********* ********* ***
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife.'
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.
------------ --------- --------- ---
The older we get, the fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
------------ --------- --------- ---
Try to turn back their odometers..
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
------------ --------- --------- -
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm
Getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, blue eyes,
Long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says,
'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft.. .
Today, it's called golf.
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
How men screw up romance
GOLF For Beginners
Three Little Ducks Go Into A Bar...
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great! Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey?' he asked.
'Great! Lovely day... I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is PUDDLES!'
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,'the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same
hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the
little guy says.'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills. I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
Don't try to outsmart a woman
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend”....... And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up... 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
Carnation milk - 65 YEARS AGO .. This is choice!
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"
A Kentucky Sheriff stops at a farm in rural Kentucky and
talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally
The old farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority
of the Sheriffs Department with me." Reaching into his
rear pants pocket and removing his badge. The officer
proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on
any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With
every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified..
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
Show him your badge... Smartass!"
Outside a secondhand shop.
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
In a Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN ' T WORK)
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER..
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Enjoy A Coffee On Me!
1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON OPEN ENJOY!
to start click COFFEE MACHINE