jokes2 sensuoussam

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She
tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver,
she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally
I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends.'

Men are like.....

1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them..

3. Men are like .. Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

4. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

5. Men are like ....Commercials ?....... You can't believe a word they say.

6. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

7. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ?.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

8. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

9. Men are like. Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

10. Men are like. Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright

11. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light
for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And
that's when the fight started.

****************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'
And that's how the fight started.....

****************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

Letter From Home

South Georgia Farm Kid --- in the Army

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed
till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep
late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop,
feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops,
potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours,
holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon
sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so,
it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route
march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then
the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels
just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I
keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't
move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat
training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to
be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't
like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over
in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the
same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130
pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

The Priest & Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is
it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship... She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place To Sit Down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days... Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months... I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."

Perks of reaching 50 or being over
60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you
Are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,
Did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you
As a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learnThe hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't
Wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
09. You can live without sex but
Not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed
Limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your
Stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator Music.
14. Your eyes won't get much
Worse.
15 . Your investment in health
Insurance is finally beginning
To pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with
Your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is
Finally down to manageable size.

GET R DUN

"County Sherriff's Office, how can I help you?"

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith..
He's hiding'marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hiding' it there.' "Lots of it, too."

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend
on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood
is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey,Virgil! This here's Floyd..Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look
for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
> As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
' Enjoy Your Days .&. Love Your Life' Because :::
Life is a journey to be savored

The Sex Fairy
1.
1.Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make
love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes
drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva
to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches! A lovemaking session can release the
tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in
a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy"
will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will
rot. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their
trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the
table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty
minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly for her
forgetfulness, during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got
out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her,

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

Cooter and Gomer
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?! Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.   The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.   Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned. Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.   The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.   The officer examines the license quizzically.   Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell o headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I
need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new
suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's
see... size 44 long.'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and
16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I
was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A
size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS