Adult Senior Humor
Cartoons for those growing older.
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolinamountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolinamountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Wrong Email Address
This one is priceless! A lesson to be learned from typing
The wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
During a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the Floor
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed
to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
This one is priceless! A lesson to be learned from typing
The wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
During a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of
hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the Floor
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed
to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In
Order.'
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In
Order.'
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked in earnest, 'please give us some wisdom
before you die.'
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!'
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked in earnest, 'please give us some wisdom
before you die.'
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!'
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Pastor Billy Bob said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. '
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. '
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? > (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? > (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? > (they don't stop to ask directions) > > 4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? > (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? > (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? > (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? > (they don't stop to ask directions) > > 4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? > (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor!
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor!
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
On their honeymoon,
the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her
new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going
to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to..... and for how long?'
the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her
new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going
to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to..... and for how long?'
Here you go boys..a Blonde Joke
Medicare In A Nutshell
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.' He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate, he Closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'
He heard, 'This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?'
The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'
The cop says, 'Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.'
The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.' He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate, he Closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'
He heard, 'This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?'
The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'
The cop says, 'Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.'
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
The Maid asked the lady of the house for a raise.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and
asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase:
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
She got the raise.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and
asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase:
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
She got the raise.
Little known fact:
Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman
The Paint Can!
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon..Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowe's, either."
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon..Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowe's, either."
