Nursery rhymes we never had as kids...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
More Jokes2
The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey He wanted to plant
his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances
Love you,
Vinnie


2257 Compliant
More jokes
 
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'



The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'


'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'


'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.


'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'


Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
'He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievab
Jessica Cruz: pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out... when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.
The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is
under your pillow.
'MEN NEVER LISTEN'
                    SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ' When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




SensuousSam
At last, a vibrator for men!



 
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back. 
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.   'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'
 
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.   The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '   He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.   The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'   'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.  
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know
there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR GOD DAMNED ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR FUCKING ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT FUCKING SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'   And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?   MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

Thanks For Your Order

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
WELL SHIT !
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. He took off down the road at 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
As he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more, he looked in the rearview mirror and saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 m ph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this", and pulled
over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes and I'm off tomorrow. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State
Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", replied the Trooper.

HERB'S WINKY
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to  confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she  suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up
and admit that the had a  deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a  problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal  with that once we are married.'   She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."   'Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb  whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.  As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'  "Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!"

How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog


Disclaimer: No Cats were harmed in the creation of this Joke!

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead



Subject: Home Depot Scam

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.
The UPS Man.....................
One Monday morning the UPS man was driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'
'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.' The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.......

SiteMap
Subject: Bubba
(be sure to read to the end it's is well worth it.....)
BUBBA'S RESUME
My Resimay   To hoom it mae cunsern,  I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.  
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.   I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.   I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. 
  My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,   I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.   hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,  Bubba
PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:....   Dear Bubba,  It's OK, we've got spell check.  See you Monday.





Vote for Toplist SensuousSamsWorld
SensuousSamsWorld www.sensuoussam.com
 
A week after their marriage, the backwoods newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."


The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"
"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she said.

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Getting Older
An elderly man had went to a dance school to learn tro dance. After many lessons they had a graduation dance. He should not have graduated but being hopless they had to. He was dancing with a lady and sunddeny she slapped him and strutted off the floor.

His instructress came to his rescue, asking him what happened. He replied: "Like you always told me if I was having trouble dancing to pay my partner a compliment, and I did." "What did you tell her?" she asked. "I just told her 'for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much!'"
Aunt Nancy

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Tony, do you have a story to share?
Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She
drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot
fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more
with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi
with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the f... away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking.'
Nursery rhymes we never had as kids...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
More Jokes2
The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey He wanted to plant
his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances
Love you,
Vinnie


2257 Compliant
More jokes
 
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'



The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'


'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'


'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.


'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'


Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
'He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievab
Jessica Cruz: pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out... when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.
The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is
under your pillow.
'MEN NEVER LISTEN'
                    SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ' When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




SensuousSam
At last, a vibrator for men!



 
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '
The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back. 
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.   'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'
 
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.   The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '   He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.   The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'   'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.  
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know
there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR GOD DAMNED ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR FUCKING ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT FUCKING SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'   And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?   MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

Thanks For Your Order

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
WELL SHIT !
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. He took off down the road at 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
As he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more, he looked in the rearview mirror and saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 m ph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this", and pulled
over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes and I'm off tomorrow. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State
Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", replied the Trooper.

HERB'S WINKY
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to  confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she  suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up
and admit that the had a  deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a  problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal  with that once we are married.'   She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."   'Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb  whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.  As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'  "Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!"

How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog


Disclaimer: No Cats were harmed in the creation of this Joke!

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead



Subject: Home Depot Scam

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.
The UPS Man.....................
One Monday morning the UPS man was driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'
'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.' The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.......

SiteMap
Subject: Bubba
(be sure to read to the end it's is well worth it.....)
BUBBA'S RESUME
My Resimay   To hoom it mae cunsern,  I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.  
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.   I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.   I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. 
  My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,   I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.   hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,  Bubba
PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:....   Dear Bubba,  It's OK, we've got spell check.  See you Monday.





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SensuousSamsWorld www.sensuoussam.com
 
A week after their marriage, the backwoods newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."


The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"
"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she said.

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Getting Older
An elderly man had went to a dance school to learn tro dance. After many lessons they had a graduation dance. He should not have graduated but being hopless they had to. He was dancing with a lady and sunddeny she slapped him and strutted off the floor.

His instructress came to his rescue, asking him what happened. He replied: "Like you always told me if I was having trouble dancing to pay my partner a compliment, and I did." "What did you tell her?" she asked. "I just told her 'for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much!'"
Call Button
In honor of Governor Schwartzenegger, a new commandment has been added to the Bible.
Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten: "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff"