MORE JOKES TO ENJOY OR COVER YOUR ASS WITH! "HIDE BEHIND" When You Have To Hide Your Secrets!
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’. ‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.....
"Youa gonna try again!"
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’. ‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.....
"Youa gonna try again!"
Walmart Job Application by Grumpy Old Bastard
Sex...Not lately but looking for the right woman or one who's at least willing.
Job Position...Company President or Vice President. But seriously whatever is available. If I was picky I wouldn't be applying in the first place.
Desired Salary...$185,000.00 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severage package. If that's not possible make an offer and we'll haggle.
Education..Yes.
Last Postition Held.. Target middle management hostility.
Previously Salary..A lot less than I'm worth.
Most Notable Achevement..My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason For Leaving..It sucked!
Hours Available To Work..Any.
Preferred Hours..1:30-3:30 p.m. Mondays, Tuesday, and Thursdays.
Do You Have Any Special Skills..Yes but they're better suited to a imtimate enviroment.
May We Contact Your Current Employer?..If I had one, would I be here?
Do You Have Any Physical Condition That Would Prohibit You From Lifting Up To 50 Lbs.?..Of what?
Do You Have A Car?.. I think the more appropiate question should be..Do you have a car that runs?
Have You Received Any Special Awards or Recognitions?..I may be the winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.
Do You Smoke?..On the job-no! On my breaks-yes!
What Would You Like To Be Doing In Five Years?..In the Bahamas with a fabuously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread.Actually I'd like to be doing that now!
Nearest Relative: 7 miles.
Do You Certify That The Above Is True And Complete To The Best Of Your Knowledge? Oh yes, absolutely!
Old People Rock
Sex...Not lately but looking for the right woman or one who's at least willing.
Job Position...Company President or Vice President. But seriously whatever is available. If I was picky I wouldn't be applying in the first place.
Desired Salary...$185,000.00 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severage package. If that's not possible make an offer and we'll haggle.
Education..Yes.
Last Postition Held.. Target middle management hostility.
Previously Salary..A lot less than I'm worth.
Most Notable Achevement..My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason For Leaving..It sucked!
Hours Available To Work..Any.
Preferred Hours..1:30-3:30 p.m. Mondays, Tuesday, and Thursdays.
Do You Have Any Special Skills..Yes but they're better suited to a imtimate enviroment.
May We Contact Your Current Employer?..If I had one, would I be here?
Do You Have Any Physical Condition That Would Prohibit You From Lifting Up To 50 Lbs.?..Of what?
Do You Have A Car?.. I think the more appropiate question should be..Do you have a car that runs?
Have You Received Any Special Awards or Recognitions?..I may be the winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.
Do You Smoke?..On the job-no! On my breaks-yes!
What Would You Like To Be Doing In Five Years?..In the Bahamas with a fabuously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread.Actually I'd like to be doing that now!
Nearest Relative: 7 miles.
Do You Certify That The Above Is True And Complete To The Best Of Your Knowledge? Oh yes, absolutely!
Old People Rock
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Use email sensuoussam4u@yahoo.com for Gift Cards. Click Envelope.
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice.
Shit I Missed!
and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice.
Shit I Missed!
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their Dad for a clue. The dad said -"well its what Mommy
calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole."
calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole."
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!
Ole's mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon. ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal. ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon. ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal. ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Wife finds her husband up alone at night. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye. "What's the matter?" Husband says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating & you were only 17?" The wife touched at his caring says "Yes I do." You remember when your father caught us in the back of my car & shoved a shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" I remember she replies softly. He cries "I would have gotten out today!" :)~
There were two Roman statues standing,facing each other, to the entrance of a huge flower garden. A statue of a nude male & nude female. One day a fairy godmother appeared and had to do a good deed to keep her wings. She took out her magic wand and brought both the statues to life. She told them they could live any wish they wanted to for 10 minutes but then they had to go back being statues again. The statues grabbed each others hands and took off running to the nearist bushes. The bushes started shaking and all kinds of moans and groans were coming out of them for 5 minutes. Then the male nude says to the female nude, "Damn, I've been waiting 3000 years to do this!" The female nude said, "I know what you mean, I've been waiting just as long!" Then the female nude says, "We only have 5 minutes left and it's my turn, this time you hold the pigeon and let me shit on him!"
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her.
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $6,000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife said "Whatcha doing today?"
I said "Nothing"
She said "You did that yesterday".
I said "I wasn't finished yet."
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $6,000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife said "Whatcha doing today?"
I said "Nothing"
She said "You did that yesterday".
I said "I wasn't finished yet."
Safe Sex is Phone Sex
A TRUE STORY ..........Oldie but Goodie...
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75,
pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror,
he saw a Florida state trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up
to the Corvette. He looked a his watch, then said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me anew reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard --
I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said:
"Three years ago, my wife ran off witha Florida state trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.
Have a good day, sir,"
replied the trooper.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
Enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75,
pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror,
he saw a Florida state trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up
to the Corvette. He looked a his watch, then said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me anew reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard --
I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said:
"Three years ago, my wife ran off witha Florida state trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.
Have a good day, sir,"
replied the trooper.
