Love those Catholics
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box '
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the
poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50
on the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the
juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
of your face..'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is
dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And my favorite:
Mr CD walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues: CD says: 'I am 91 years old,
I'm on my third wife, I have two children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
CD: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
CD: 'I'm Baptist.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
'I'm 91 years old... I'm telling everybody.'
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box '
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the
poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50
on the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the
juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
of your face..'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is
dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And my favorite:
Mr CD walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues: CD says: 'I am 91 years old,
I'm on my third wife, I have two children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
CD: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
CD: 'I'm Baptist.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
'I'm 91 years old... I'm telling everybody.'
Jokes And More
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Cheap Hosting
Camping Trip
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up,a beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So here I am!
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up,a beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So here I am!
Why Women Can't Fix Cars.....you thought it was our nails.
Policeman on Patrol
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.
The Bracelet
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks up nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't appear right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks up nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't appear right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
Polish Sausage
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Old Cowboy
Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to dickens........
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to dickens........
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
The love story of Ralph and Edna:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health day!
email to an unstable friend, like I did.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health day!
email to an unstable friend, like I did.
Hands On Help
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
"Cleanup, Register 5"
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
"Cleanup, Register 5"
710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
This is what she pointed to...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
This is what she pointed to...
2257 Compliant
Computer password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A day in the life of a deaf mute
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
************ ********* ********* ***
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.
------------ --------- --------- ---
The older we get, the fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
------------ --------- --------- ---
Some people
Try to turn back their odometers..
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
************ ********
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
------------ --------- --------- -
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
<><><><><>><><><>
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
------------ -------- --------- ---
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft.. .
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm
Getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, blue eyes,
Long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says,
'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
************ ********
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
************ ********* ********* ***
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.
------------ --------- --------- ---
The older we get, the fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
------------ --------- --------- ---
Some people
Try to turn back their odometers..
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
************ ********
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
------------ --------- --------- -
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
<><><><><>><><><>
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
------------ -------- --------- ---
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft.. .
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm
Getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, blue eyes,
Long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says,
'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
************ ********
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction -
I get to the end and think
Well, that ' s not gonna happen!
I get to the end and think
Well, that ' s not gonna happen!
I hate housework! You make
The beds, do the dishes and
Six months later you have to
Do it all over again!!
The beds, do the dishes and
Six months later you have to
Do it all over again!!
Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant..
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italyto secretly have the
child.
Also if she stayed in Italyto raise the child, he would
also provide
child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post
card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to
begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card
today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
For several years, a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant..
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italyto secretly have the
child.
Also if she stayed in Italyto raise the child, he would
also provide
child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post
card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to
begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card
today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
Try both if niteflirt.com in beta...one will work.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, doesn't she/he look good !!!
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, doesn't she/he look good !!!
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
