Now this is a life story, take note.
Potatoes
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out And
Getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad Name for herself like 'Hot Potato,'
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her
into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a
Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise
so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the Greasy guys from France called French Fries.
And when she went out West,
To watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their trade
on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
Be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr And Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly
Marry Tom Brokaw Because he's just.......
Are you ready for this? Are you sure? * *
OK! Here it is!
* * * *
A COMMONTATER

 
Love those Catholics

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the
poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50
on the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'


----------------------------------------------------

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the
juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
of your face..'



--------------------------------------------------------

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is
dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do
ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



--------------------------------------------------------

And my favorite:

Mr CD walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues: CD says: 'I am 91 years old,
I'm on my third wife, I have two children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
CD: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
CD: 'I'm Baptist.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
'I'm 91 years old... I'm telling everybody.'

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                     Camping Trip
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
  After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
  When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up,a beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
  "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
  "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
  When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
  So here I am!


Why Women Can't Fix Cars.....you thought it was our nails.
Policeman on Patrol
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.

The Bracelet
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks up nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't appear right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'


Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
                                 Polish Sausage
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'  If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
                   Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to dickens........
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

The love story of Ralph and Edna:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health day!
email to an unstable friend, like I did.


Hands On Help
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
"Cleanup, Register 5"
                            710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
This is what she pointed to...

2257 Compliant
Computer password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH***

     A day in the life of a deaf mute
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Home
THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .


There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
************ ********* ********* ***
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it.
------------ --------- --------- ---
The older we get, the fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
------------ --------- --------- ---
Some people
Try to turn back their odometers..
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
************ ********
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
------------ --------- --------- -

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
<><><><><>><><><>
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
------------ -------- --------- ---
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft.. .

Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.'

The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm
Getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'

' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair, blue eyes,
Long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says,
'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

************ ********

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction -
I get to the end
and think
Well, that ' s not gonna happen!
I hate housework! You make
The beds, do the dishes and
Six months later you have to
Do it all over again!!

                Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant..
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italyto secretly have the
child.
Also if she stayed in Italyto raise the child, he would
also provide
child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was

born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post
card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to
begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card
today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce



The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could
   hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, doesn't she/he look good !!!
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


Humor and More
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I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.

I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was.
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair.
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   Once there was a guy named Fred who was in the bathroom. He was sitting there doing his buisiness when some guy goes in the stall next to him.   All of a sudden he says: "Hi, sweetie. How was your day?" Fred was a little weirded out but, being polite, says: "Good." Then he said: "Is everything going alright?" "Um, yea", said Fred, now very uncomfortable. The man next to him then said: "Can I come over?" "No." Fred was just trying to get out of the bathroom. "Why?" the man asked. "Because well, you.." Fred hastened to finish.   Then the guy said, irritated: "Honey I have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions!" 

One day God was out inspecting Heaven, when he noticed a tree in Hell had fallen over and damaged the fence seperating Heaven and Hell. He called over to Satan: "Hey Satan remove that tree and get the fence fixed, or else." Satan says: "Or else what?" God says: "I'll sue, I have the finest attorneys in the history." Then Satan says: "Yeah, but I have all the judges."
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Hawaii Vacation
1 800 TO FLIRT ext.#04-97-885 SEX
Partners help each other undress before sex. After sex, they dress on their own.
Lesson: In life, no one helps you once you are screwed.
NEW JOKES
A FEW NEW JOKES POSTED 7/8/12 NEW
MORE JOKE
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire,they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a
minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests dressed as we are? She replied,
'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen."


Medical Tests
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
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