> Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical
>
> To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance atManhattan'sRadioCityMusic Hallfor the benefit of the AARP.
> One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
> (Sing It!)-If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
> Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
> Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
> Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
> Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
> Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
> When the knees go bad,
> I simply remember my favorite things,
> And then I don't feel so sad.
>
> Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
> No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
> Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
> Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
> And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
> When we remember our favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache, When the hips break,
> When the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > ; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
>
> To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance atManhattan'sRadioCityMusic Hallfor the benefit of the AARP.
> One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
> (Sing It!)-If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
> Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
> Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
> Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
> Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
> Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
> When the knees go bad,
> I simply remember my favorite things,
> And then I don't feel so sad.
>
> Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
> No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
> Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
> Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
> And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
> When we remember our favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache, When the hips break,
> When the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > ; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply
running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ a cold Bud______a
Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a
Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl
of ice cream ______Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral
Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends
to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of
them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows
the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply
running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ a cold Bud______a
Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a
Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl
of ice cream ______Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral
Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends
to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of
them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows
the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
Keep That Lube Handy! If you think you've been fucked before you ain't felt nothing yet!
Fifty Dollars Is Fifty Dollars
The 4 Stages of Life
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Julie Andrews At 69
2257 Exempt
~ Deer Camp ~
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly Ex-Marine; a man's
man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because
he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly Ex-Marine; a man's
man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
----------------------------------------
- -------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot
for you today as they were fifty years ago .'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
----------------------------------------
- -------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot
for you today as they were fifty years ago .'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Mile High Club
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
not
too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I
plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try someting I
have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries...
You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?"
not
too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I
plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try someting I
have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries...
You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?"
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I
plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try someting I
have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries...
You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?"
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I
plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try someting I
have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries...
You want... Chicken wiff Broccori?"
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their
trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the
table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty
minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly for her
forgetfulness, during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got
out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her,
'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their
trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the
table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty
minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly for her
forgetfulness, during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got
out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her,
'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
Two Woodpeckers..........
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Me xican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Me xican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
A REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER SUSIE GAL
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID THERE'S TROUBLE STILL"'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPP Y.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER SUSIE GAL
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID THERE'S TROUBLE STILL"'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPP Y.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
IRS TAX RETURN
A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
'I'm a prostitute,' she says.
The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl.'
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks , 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken Farmer it is. '
A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
'I'm a prostitute,' she says.
The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl.'
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks , 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken Farmer it is. '
The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this
American in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this
American in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked?
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention:
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention:
The Golfing Nun
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee ... And this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... And I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... And it hits this bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile..
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the f------- putt, didn't you?
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee ... And this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... And I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... And it hits this bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile..
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the f------- putt, didn't you?
Scottish bar stool for kilt wearers . .