New Living Will Form I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ a cold Bud______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______Chocolate or ______Sex It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had. Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________ NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!

Keep That Lube Handy! If you think you've been fucked before you ain't felt nothing yet!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Fifty Dollars Is Fifty Dollars

The Four Stages of Life: Yep! That about sums it up!

The 4 Stages of Life

> Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical > > To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance atManhattan'sRadioCityMusic Hallfor the benefit of the AARP. > One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > (Sing It!)-If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!! > Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, > Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, > Bundles of magazines tied up in string, > These are a few of my favorite things. > > Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses, > Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, > Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, > These are a few of my favorite things. > > When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, > When the knees go bad, > I simply remember my favorite things, > And then I don't feel so sad. > > Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, > No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, > Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, > These are a few of my favorite things. > > Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', > Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', > And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, > When we remember our favorite things. > > When the joints ache, When the hips break, > When the eyes grow dim, > Then I remember the great life I've had, > And then I don't feel so bad. > > > > > > > ; > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.